Missing him....

Somehow whenever I talked to him, no matter how bad, things seemed to be alright because he understood and because he was there whenever…With everything getting harder and harder, it seems lonelier and sadder not being able to talk to him.  This past year I have had heartbreaking boy troubles, hurtful family issues, disastrous housing problems, dad being in the hospital over and over, mother pending breast cancer, grandma and uncle dying, multiple family members having cancer, failing school, bad car problems, and losing friends.  I know God is there but sometimes it is nice to have that one person, a human being that you trust the most and who has played an important part in your life, be by your side.  How can you try to make things right between you when that person resents you, how can you miss someone so much when you know that it would never work out between you, and how is it possible to love someone that can’t love you back.

If I Die Young...by The Band Perry

http://youtu.be/7NJqUN9TClM

For those who are willing to read...

As I look upon my life,
as it has been and as it will be,
I think again,
something doesn’t seem right.

I have been given a moment,
a moment in my life,
of stillness.

To think
What have I been doing?
What were my goals?
What  has my life become?

As I flip through the photos of my family and friends,
for the first time I see them as an outsider.
An outsider with no emotional connections,
but yet I still have those memories that have been instilled
and I can’t help but wonder where these people came from
and why am I connected to them.

For months, years, I have felt like running away, ending my life,
to feel free of all the trouble I have caused people
and to be free from all the mistakes I will make.
But this stillness has brought a new light.
Why are they in my life?  There must be a purpose.

Then all of the sudden these people became important like never before,
more important than anything else in this life.
Things, bills, events will come and go,
but these people will be here in this life and the next.

And now I can’t help but think what have I been doing all my life
that made me so blind to this realization.
These people weren’t nothing.
My goals, my ambition, my drive
has distracted me from smelling the roses,
enjoying time with people,
and from loving others.

My whole life I have just settled with the fact that I have a hard heart.
Its how God made me.
But what if
what if that is the one characteristic that God wants to overcome,
show me a better way to love.

But honestly
I feel lost  of
who
when
where
how God wants to move.

So now I come to the part where I need to go,
I need to change my lust for the future.
I feel so claustrophobic in this world I have created.
I need to stretch out,
break the bubble I’m in.

As I’m sitting under the stars and under my moon,
I can’t help but wonder what good will this letter be.
But I can tell you this, my friends,
I need
I need to figure out what He wants
why He put little me in this world
and what He wants for my future.
So please be patient with me,
forgive me for the mistakes I will make
and please pray for me.

Love,
A Jesus follower